As a registered pyschotherapist in Toronto, my journey alongside individuals facing grief has been both humbling and profound. From in-person to virtual appointments, at community-based hospices in the GTA and private practice, I've had the honour of supporting those navigating the intricate terrain of loss—whether it is the slow erosion of chronic illnesses like cancer or the sudden shattering of lives through car accidents or suicide.
1. Grief is Ever-Present, Evolving, and Unending:
One crucial lesson I've gleaned from walking with others on their grief journey is that grief is not a finite process; there is no distinct endpoint. Instead, it morphs, changes in texture, and evolves in tone. Grief, in its perpetual presence, becomes the bridge connecting us to our loved ones beyond our memories of them.
2. Continuing Relationships Beyond the Physical:
Central to the healing process is the acknowledgment that relationships endure beyond physical presence. Even though our loved ones may not walk beside us, they live on in our hearts and influence the way we live our lives, meet challenges, make big life decisions, parent our children, etc. Understanding and nurturing these continuing relationships are pivotal aspects of the grief journey and often very healing.
3. The Unveiling of Grief After the Doing is Done:
Grief often begins in earnest after the ceremonies and celebrations, when the tangible tasks are completed, and we find ourselves alone with our feelings. The initial year is particularly challenging, marked by a series of "firsts"—the first holiday without them, the first anniversary, the first birthday. These moments can hit us unexpectedly and sometimes demanding a shift in how we commemorate these significant milestones.
4. The Poignancy of Everyday Reminders:
In grief, it's the little, everyday reminders that can be the most poignant. Simple acts like coming home and realizing they're not there to make morning coffee and only preparing 1 cup instead of 2 or the absence of a familiar presence in shared routines like going to the grocery store amplify the loss. New milestones become bittersweet, serving as reminders of their absence.
5. Navigating the Tension of Opposites:
Grief is a landscape marked by contradictions. It's possible to miss someone deeply even though you may have had a troubled relationship. The relief that comes with the end of a long battle with cancer may coexist with the profound sorrow of their absence. Navigating these opposing emotions requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to hold both opposing feelings as true, real and valid.
6. Grief Work as a Daily Practice:
Grief is not a one-time event but an ongoing practice. Engaging with it, understanding its nuances, and learning how to navigate the waves of sorrow contribute to the ongoing process of healing. Some days are harder than others, and some days may feel almost normal, but every day, we show up with grief, actively engaging in the practice of healing.
In grief, each moment represents a unique story of love, loss, and the courage to continue. As we embrace the ongoing nature of grief, acknowledging its presence, nurturing continuing connections, and engaging in the daily practice of grief work, we find the resilience to navigate the complexities of loss with compassion and understanding.
Monica Lau
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